As soon as I heard my husband’s screams from my son’s bedroom, I knew, I didn’t want to believe it, but in my heart, I knew. I frantically searched for my my phone all while begging my husband to save my baby. “Do CPR, please do not come out of his room until you save him”, if I said this once, I said it 100 times from the moment he screamed until the paramedics confirmed that there was nothing they could do. Each time my husband came out of the room and towards me, I beat him in the chest and begged him to go back in and save my son.
I screamed the screams that nobody every wants to hear, I screamed until I was hoarse outside on our screened in porch while my husband and the paramedic’s were tending to Alex. I urinated on myself outside because I just could not bring myself to go into the house and walk past his bedroom. I could not see, I didn’t want to see, I didn’t want to believe this was actually happening.
What was our last conversation, did I tell him I loved him, what happened, how was he just here talking to me the night before and gone from this world the next day, did he suffer, where is he, oh God, this cannot be happening, THIS cannot be real.
Very quickly our home become a potential crime scene investigation. Alex was only 23, they had no knowledge of his heart condition, they had a job to do and we understood to the best of our ability. We were asked to remain outside and had to consent to a search warrant. We were asked many questions about his life. Did he do drugs, who was he with the night before, was he depressed?
Alex did smoke pot and we were very aware of this. He had anxiety and it helped him tremendously. He was very aware of his heart condition and avoided what I will call “heavy drugs”. He knew that he was at higher risk with his heart condition and was very cautious. The coroner let me know very quickly that “pot” did not kill my son. She also informed us that there were absolutely no signs of a struggle in his bed. I knew this already, because 30 minutes earlier, I walked into his room and truly believed he was asleep.
My head was spinning, my heart was broken, I could not breathe, and for the first time, I knew this was really happening. I had to start making phone calls. His father, his older sister, other immediate family and his friends.
Why? Why him? Why God Why? I still ask this question everyday.