It’s been awhile since I have blogged. This momma is tired and struggling. There have been many times in my life I’ve thought that I’ve struggled with depression and I am sure I have, just not on this level. The last 8 and half months, there is no thinking, I’m definitely struggling. Struggling to get up and moving, struggling at work, struggling to hold a thought or follow through with plans, struggling to make plans…. I’ll just be honest, struggling to live some days.
The grief, sense of emptiness and being lost in my own body are things that cannot be put into words. I have LIVED as a mother for my children since I was 17 years old. Not being able to see my child, hold him, kiss him, laugh with him, cry with him, celebrate with him, dream with him, binge watch shows with him, drive around with him… I could go on and on but at the end of the day, my heart hurts and aches.
I have begun a journey of self discovery. What happens when we leave this realm? Where do we go? See, I am desperate to know that I will be with him again. Not only him but all of my loved ones that have past before me.
I have learned how to pray to our creator, to my ancestors, to my spirit guides and angels. I have learned to ask for signs and actually opened my eyes, heart and mind to receive them.
I have learned that Alex is still very much a part of me and all those he loved. He gives me signs of comfort and his existence when I need them the most. He sends me angel numbers, especially 222. I get others but this one has been prevalent. Lot’s of 5’s, 1’s and 4’s as well.
Not only do I get signs but so do other family members and friends. “Ducking” a random jeep that actually belonged to the sister of someone very special to Alex, double rainbows, birds, dreams, special visits to my grandson that he tells us about, items of importance to Alex randomly showing up after not being seen for years, a coffee mug being delivered on Father’s Day for Billy that we definitely didn’t order but it was one that Alex, no doubt would have bought him, a beautiful woman with “gifts” feeling his presence so strongly it overwhelmed her. He wanted her to let me know that he is with me and will always be with me… I could go on and on but I think you get the point. Did I mention the mug showed up on Father’s Day Evening (a Sunday) around 8 or so?
No, it’s not the same as having him here physically, but it definitely reassures me that this life is just temporary and that one day, we will be reunited in the spiritual realm. Until then, I will keep searching for inner peace, for some light to return to my broken heart, work on forgiving and letting go of negative thoughts and emotions, self-care, and being all that I can be to those that mean the most to me.
Until next time…. #livemorelikealex